Purpose-driven life

Today I had one of those too familiar feelings of anxiety again. I just fealt so bad. All I could do was sit down and breathe. I just fealt like my life has no purpose. No... meaning at all. I just cried for a while until I was able to talk about how I feel.

I don't really know what kind of purpose I've been looking for but I was just tired of being lost. Tired of feeling so lame tired of loosing it tired of not knowing what to do with my life. I can't even think of what to study...

Luckily there are more wise and experienced people in my life and I learned something really important:
I'm truly loved by my family and in a way that makes me a purpose, which means my life isn't meaningless. And... I do cheer people by using the gifts that I have even though I can't always tell when or how. Then it just hit me: it's the small things that give your life a meaning, in away. I've been looking for something big but I should have consentrated on smaller things. But on the other hand what's bigger than loving your family and friends?

I have this passion to help people but I shouldn't try to be something I'm not or want to be someone else. I have lots of things I need to figure out... like what I want... but I have a place in this world and I shouldn't try to yearn for a purpose and then ironically miss the life I'm supposed to live. The truly great people that we still remember and think highly of didn't do great stuff just to lead great lives.... I think. They just worked hard to reach their full potential, to be as good as they could be in what they knew best. And they lived one day at a time.

I'm still learning to live one day at a time. I just realised that I don't need to have this plan here and now... a map of my life. I don't need to know what my profession will be in 10 years. I don't need to have a boyfriend now so that I'll be married in a certain age. I don't need to plan everything in advance. I'm not saying it's wrong to have a vision and dreams etc... but one just needs to be open... Willing to take life as it is... with all it's suprises - good and bad ones.

Sigh, I wish I made sence here..

but atlest in my head, I think I'm starting to grasp the concept.

An end. A new beginning maybe?

I think it's time to say goodbye, for now. This Ebony is really tired and needs a little rest. There'll be lots of adventures to share in the future (perhaps) but now it's time to pause - officially. I'm on facebook (etc) if you need me.

hug

Hugging isn't something that is culture bound... but Finns still don't tend to show their affection as openly (and superficially?) as people in warmer cultures... But people who want to hug often don't hug me. Even if they hug someone else infront of me. I don't think it's because they openly hate me but because I usually seem cold because I'm so shy... they sence the "coldness". I'm not kidding. Today I saw a friend who said she wanted to hug me to congratulate me but she didn't thus I was so tence. Today I also so another friend, after a long time no see, and she hugged me. Before we said goodbyes she paused and said: "You don't seem like a person who likes to hug". Gawie...

The thing is, I do like hugs.

42.195 km

I borrowed a book called Run Your First Marathon >> Everything you need to know to get you to the finish line by Grete Waitz and Gloria Averbuch


hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

The cover is really nice, though!

Sigh. Don't laugh, or I might really start training ;)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_cvIHdSnQyY&feature=related

I've been battling with lots of issues this year. 2010 has been the year of issues. But when you think of it... who hasn't had trouble? Ha. Well I don't like it when things aren't going well. My new task was to just free myself from every burden. I even started building these magic walls around me so that I couldn't get hurt. But being alone behing those fences made me think alot. I saw people who helped me think. And I read books by people who were done with their thinking. No,

I didn't invent any psychological theory but to me these things are true:

Being hurt wont take you anywhere. Quite on the contrary. It's actually a trap since it stops you from being who you really are supposed to be. It stops you from enjoying life and just makes you self centered and paranoid. The pain is inevitable but it's ok to move on.

To really forgive someone who's wronged you, is the hardest thing you need to do.

Secondly. Problems aren't something to run away from. Well because you really can't and because they make you grow. It's the only thing that really makes you grow...

Isn't that one of the reasons we are here? To grow as people?

Light at the end of the tunnel

I almost had forgotten my password to the blog. That's how long I've been away. GAH. I think I've forgotten how to write but I want to learn again. This post is short but it's just to say that I'm alive.

I've been away for long. First it was because of school, I guess, but then I was worn out and then... Well anyway... This is a new beginning.

Thanks for still being there.

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Highway_D1_Slovakia_10.JPG

My India

I have a dream. I want to go and do volunteer work in India next November. The trip is organized by Maranatha Volunteers in Finland. They fix buildings like schools, health centers and hospitals and churches. The groups that go consist of different specialists and also just random people who want to help. The Maranatha Volunteers will fix a school for the blind (sorry for not using PC-language) in central India. The trips take about two to three weeks and include some cultural exploring. Like this trip possibly includes a trip to Taj Mahal.

I have no clue where this passion for working and enthusiasm towards India came from. Maybe it's just because I'm young and naive and still got lots of childish faith and courage. I've been interested in Development policy for a long time already so that probably influences me. I'm also interested in meeting people and being in a new culture that totally differs from mine. Sigh... I want to go but then I come back to reality since the voyage wont be free, especially since it's volunteer work. If I get a summer job I think I could handle the costs but I can't use everything at ago. I think I could get a little help if I really try to use my imagination. I've got some ideas but right now I'm just praying and waiting for a miracle. Miracles do happen you know. I just can't stand the idea of not going... But if it's meant to be, it'll happen.

In a way I feel like I'm hypocrite. Today I was in the bus I saw an old lady running to the bus. The bus was full and I knew if someone wouldn't give her their seat, she'd have to stand. I knew I could be that someone but I just got scared because I like to sit in the bus and I didn't want people to look at me... I've got some issues and I can be really shy... Another woman stood up so I was more at ease... but why am I such a sissy. In what way is it embarrasing to do something good? I know that the Finnish culture can be really icy but... It's so strange that I'm going to India to do good things but am cold here? Hypocrite.

So, Ropi, that's why I need a sponsor ;)

Pic http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Delhi_main_bazaar.jpg