Freedom, sisterhood and equality

We've been talking about wars recently. I've come to only one conclusion. Every war is stupid. Yes I know, you don't need to be very intelligent to get the answer. It's only now when I learnt that people actually suffer. Before a war has only been a THING that happens only somewhere ealse.. and yes it's horrible that millions of people die.. But touché
. I really love our schools history teacher for teaching us how silly it is to think that way. I mean it could have been me. It could have been your best friend. Everyone who ever died, died without any good reason. And why?

Aristotle thought that women are too emtional to even be true citizens. I just wondered... What would have the world become like if women were rulers.. with all their PMS mushy-ness. What would a hardcore female dictator be like? (NO! I don't really want to know).

I'm tired.
But I'm happy we're safe here!

The second Messiah

Obama has got something in him. Thanks to him, America had its first WORLD election. I don't really know much about politics, but I'm sure Obama was a wiser choise. I mean cmon:
1) His young (all that junk about no being experienced.. WELL! Experience is more than sitting in a congress)
2) He has good ideas
3) He wants change. He IS a change in the whole history
But the change part bothers me... He is the person everyone wants, but they forget one thing. He is not a redeemer. People are helping the global warming come faster, but now they expect that Obama will change everything. He is just a human. A very good and talented human, but what will happen when people notice that change takes time. Even Obama can't change the way we act. He can be our inspiration though. "One man can't change the world, but you've got to start from somewhere." Hmm--

sure...

I want to believe that there is tstill hope in this bizarr place called Earth and I want to do something in order to make others feel hope too. So.. these are thoughts thoughts thoughts. Trying to find myself.

Copied from my profile.. Yeah well. I'm not the most positive person in the world. Well the internet really makes things look like they aren't. I've learnt to be too depressing sometimes. Life is too short for being depressing. I know I know: Feeling sad or angry is normal but if I write it here I make myself look like a person with no life no hope no future... like Homer. I mean. This is no therapy blog. So I decided to stop nagging about my private issues. I can do my "Dear Diary" the old fashioned way. I've really learnt to like you guys.. nagging will just make you pissed off. (It makes me pissed off!!) So from now on just thinking but not consentrating on me so much :). I need to do a little growing up.

OK maybe some random updating.

p.s i just want you to know (:D).. the meme answers had to be so corny since you had only eight(?) words to use..

--Yeah right Ebony

meme?

1. WHERE WERE YOU TEN YEARS AGO?
I was being a really really good student.

2. WHATS ON YOUR TO DO LIST TODAY?
To read the book: Jhonny got his gun

3. WHAT IF YOU WERE A BILLIONAIRE?
I'd buy a yamaha 211s and donate alot.

4. FIVE PLACES YOU HAVE LIVED:
Nairobi, Kenya, Africa and Tampere and Espoo, Finland

5. THREE BAD HABITS:
Sarcasm, being fat, not working hard enough, yeah

6. SNACKS YOU LIKE:
MARMELADE! taco chips, coconut chocolate, kiwi fruit. MARMELADE!

wa wa wah

Hi!
Many things have happened since I returned. I'm sorry that I've not been talking. I've been talkin in my head.. alot.. But I just didn't feel like I could type the words. I totally owe you guys a story from France, but... we'll see. By the way. Spacekake and Ropi. Thanks for your comments. They kind of made me feel really.. ha. jolly. No really.. We'll you know what I mean...
Lately I've gotten older. In my head. I've started to think alot. In away I'm lost, since in a way I'm a child, but on the otherhand I'm pretty much I decide things alone, make my onwn mistakes and take responsibility of my actions. It's kind of scary. Growing up that is. Lately I've really worried about what to study after high school. I've had trouble with study technics. I might be up at midnight studying and being stressed because there's not enough time, even though in the end I've done nothing useful.. I want to have a good job when I grow up. I don't want to be poor, but I want to do something I'll enjoy. I don't want to end up as a "those who can't do, teach" kind of a person. I also don't want to be a person who tells people how she USED to play in a band, but now she works in a stuffy office. Stuffy offices can be ok, if working their is your calling! Don't get me wrong.
Music. It's important for me. I know I don't have enough potential to be a full time musician but I want to play as an amature.. I want to play forever. I just hope I can consentrate on studying too. It's so funny. When I was in a conservatoire, I was sure I want to be a doctor and music is only a hobby. Now I take music seriously when it's a little too late. Maybe. I don't know.
I decided to play the flute.
I found a cheap (used) flute I could actually afford. I just hope things work out. I need to get an other job though.. Cause If I start taking lessons.. it means that I'll remain with NOTHING.
Sigh.. I just hope I'll know I'll end up in the right place.
I'd like to do something international.
*smiles. I rember this post I wrote like a year ago, where I said I want to be a doctor... but I also wanted to hepl abroad.. GAH. It's a nightmare.
My brain is full of thoughts and I also should consentrate on lessons and.. Oh well. This sounds really messy, but I'm happy. All this thinking makes me feel really lonely. I like being alone, but I boy, how I hate being lonely.. Anyway. All this mumbo JAMBO might seen full of angst and stuff, but actually I'm happy, since I've started to believe in dreams again.

Bla bla bla

Hi!
No, I didn't die in France. I just haven't had time to write. I actually haven't really felt like writing either. I'll be back someday. (heh)

La République Française est une nation d'Europe. Sa capitale est Paris.

So I thought I'd come and say bye (I thought about you, Baino!!). I'm leaving on Monday morning. I need to go to my school with a buss that leaves at 4.55.. in the morning.. but somehow I just feel really exited. ha. I just hope I'll remember to take everything... Yeah well anyway, I'll let you know how things turned out. See you in a couple of weeks :)!

hi. my name is Dead, because I killed it

This is a day when I would say the glass is half empty.


We had a stupid argument about my smelly shoes. I am a tomboy, a bobby soxer, a flapper, a girl with "attitude", a lively minx, a pert girl.. ( I used the dictionary..)

I couldn't consentrate. I was supposed to do my homework. I just played the piano instead. Atlest I got a new idea for a song... Sigh.

I talked with a boy. He had really hurt my feelings and he doesn't even know it. And I'm not planning on telling him. I wish this didn't sound so much like a Hollywood movie skript.

It's raining outside. I like rain.. in a way.

My brother had is birthday today. I hope he had fun.

I think I'll try to calm down.

I changed my mind. The glass is half full.

GIRL AND BOY BANDS ARE FAKE!

I never had this enormous band phase. I'm telling you. It's true. I don't know how it's possible. I remember I drew pictures of the Spice girls in pre-school, but I really didn't understand anything much about being a real fan. I loved the Spice girls lollipops. I never had THE shoes though (my Finnish teacher though they were shoes for disabled people). Anyway. I couldn't believe my ears when i learnt in my media course that everything about the bands has been planned. It's a conspirasy. Why? I guess I was the only one in Jerusalem who hadn't thought of it. Obviously it's fake, but why? Why would anyone want to harm us. We were just innosent children! Anyway here are the five phases of the POPmaterialisticstupidness:

1. "What are you nuts? Everyone knows them!!???"
(Well first the members were found by a newspaper ad or something. They know from the start that it's fake...) The band suddenly appears everywhere. Record companies have bought every space for them. Lots of fan nonsence apper. If you want to be in, you need to listen to the music, since it's the new alternative choise! Have you ever noticed that the members of the band are actually a more important thing than the music... HA! The create an image. "Something for everyone" is their motto. Since some pre-teens are having a phase where they fall in love with idols.. I can't believe they've actually payed some shrinks to think about stuff like that.

2.How to become a real block-head
Money money money. Really weird fan clubs have rules and if you really really are a true fan, you need to do what you're asked.

Quotes from the New Kids On The Block magazine (Our teacher gave us copies: NKOTB Magazine Special . Frida Förlaget. Stockholm 1991, p.20-21):

RULES:
- If you want to dress like a real fan, you'll invest on a true Boston street look.
- Don't put too much make up. The boys value naturality. (wow. the parents will really fall for that one)
- A real Block head doesn't really need wall paper, because her/his room is covered with New-Kids posters and pictures. If your parents will put new wallpaper in your room, you will ofcourse put the pictures back (carefully)
- YOU HAVE TO KNOW THEIR MUSIC. It would be best if you'd know the lyrics by heart. Always sing whenever you hear their music.

QUOTES FROM FANS
(from my teachers research in 1991)
- There are some really stupid guys in our class. They think that New Kids suck. They only listen to Guns'nRoses even though that Axl is ugly and not as lovely as Jordan Knight for example. Or Jon or Joe or Danny or Donnie
- I have every cd and magazine except one and then my Mum has ordered stuff that were advertised in the magazines. People say that I'm the best fan. There are couple of girs that aren't really fans, but they say they are so that we would hang out with them, but we wont since they don't love New kids enough

3. swarm
This is the part where teenage girls colonize a hotel where a boy band is staying. Fans of different bands argue. The managers are careful and try to see when the bands popularite will start to decrease. Some "individual" ex-fans start to look for a newer sound...

4. "Did you hear that they might break up?"
The big bosses start to see that people are not interested in the fan nonsences anymore. They actually start a gossip about the band breaking up. It's all false. (I ALWAYS NEW IT WASN'T GERYS FAULT THAT THE SPICE GIRLS BROKE UP) All the loyal fans think it's their fault and they start to buy more fan material so that they could stop the horrible thing from happening. Managers are happy. Their masterplan is workind.. The bands start making films, appearing on tv-shows. It's all because the record company wants to see if someone of the members has potential to be a individual popstar...

5.Mommy. It's overrr... :(
The phenomenon has ended as planned. (YES YES AS PLANNED. Gah). Every product is sold out. After couple of years they sell some useless stuff and if people seem interested, there might be a comeback...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA materialism

D'OH!

My life is really absurd. I always have moodswings, ups and downs. WOW!

I had an interesting day today. I actually have two whole days free from school! In a way I've gotten to relax. I've actually been reading a novel. Just for fun. I can't remember when I've had time to read something ealse thatn a school related book. But nothing comes free, right? Since I'm going to France I need to do some homework beforehand (well I don't NEED TO but I thought I could be mature.. or sometihng). So, my problem is that I feal that I have the right to be lazy, but in a way I'm supposed to be working. Yeah. Right. I mean here I am. At the computer. Where ealse.
Anyway, I had a really nice day. I could sleep late. In the morning my room was a mess and I kind of really liked it! The day was really beautiful. All the trees are yellow or orange the sky was blue, the sun was shining bla bla. I ate a hamburger for breakfast. It's kind of sad, I know. Especially now since I've really started to change my Homerish lifestyle! I went to the library later. I really don't know many things that make me feel so relaxed. I love libraries.
I have a big butt. I was looking for a dress for this years "prom" (It's nothing romantic. It's just a dance course that will end with a "show" and parents will come and see..). The one I liked the most was a little tight. OK THE ZIPPER WOULDN'T CLOSE. I didn't give up and finally every part of my was inside the dress. Sigh. But I'm ok now. It was just a little dramatic.
A new series started a while ago. They show real "life" from the hospital in our city. It's like reality tv, but this time it's actually real. I used to want to be a doctor, but I think that now I'm positive that I'll become a humanist instead. I mean they actually show how they treat the patients. I usually don't get freaked out in hospital series. I used to laugh at House because of the beginnings. Today I actually nearly started to cry plus blow chunks. 1) A man couldn't breathe. He was almost dying so they needed to put some tube into his lung. The scary part was that he was awake. Ofcourse he had local anesthesia (or something?) but it looked so scary. Then the traumatic part was when they had to look at a little girls ear. It brought so bad memories. I had infections in my ear very often when I was smaller. Once a doctor really hurt me and I've never recovered. I'm SO SCARED. I had to run to my room when they started harrasing her. (Ok, I peeked throught the door and I saw that the little girl was real brave. And it didn't hurt)
I got a mail today! No it wasn't about viagra or watches or the prince of Bermunda asking for money. It was from my French hostfamily, well actually the girl. I was so happy!! She was so understanding about the fact that I can't speak French. She even used smileys! I'm so so happy!
But like I said nothing comes free :D. I mailed my math teacher because I had forgotten to inform him that I (and some other students) will miss the lesson when we'll get our exams back (because of France). So he thanked me for letting him know... plus he said that my exam could have gone better.. I had spent too much time on one exercize....
Sigh.
I guess duty calls now...
But I came to the conclusion that the day was awesome.

No mercy for stupid people vol. 2

"Don't you hate it when you have to excersize so that you can loose your weight? Don't worry, we have the perfect product for you! SAUNA BELT 2000! You can even use it at work. We truly trust in our products, that's why we'll promise to give you your money back if you don't like the machine.. WAIT!! Don't go! You'll get a free gift too...!!"

Do you ever get these annoying catalogs full of useless ads. They actually lie to your face, but duh they wouldn't advertise if there weren't some people willing to buy the stuff...

1# Maria Duvals magical talisman
It's free! Hmm.. lets take a look. This sounds very promising: "Are you tired of seing other people who always get what they want from life, when others need to suffer every day..." YES! YES YES!! This amazing witch lady Maria Duval knows everything and she wants to help people like me! Oh my goodness! She's sending 500 magical talismans for FREE! And it might bring me luck and more power!
Ok lets see. I have to fill out the original form.. no copies.. ok.. So here are some directions.. when you open the packet, you HAVE TO be alone. OOHH! And check this out: You can feel the change in your life in 48 hours. The talisman is magnetic, so it's pretty cool. Like oh my God! They say you can actually win in the lottery too..!! I really need this! Eehh!
---
Ok so, I got the talisman. It was made of paper, but it doesn't matter. I'm so happy. I can't believe how lucky I am..

2# Herbal diet pills
Hi! So guess what. So I was really sad ´cause I'm kind of fat. I mean yah, I think that's why I don't have a boyfriend. But then a miracle happened.. It's like amazing. That talisman really works! I got this letter about this new amazing diet product. It came from like the same company where Maria Duval works.. I know that some products.. are fake.. like I'm not stupid. But I know that this one works..! It's this great pill. It's based on 16 different herbs. I mean wow. Then um. The letter had a real emotional story, about this really fly chick, who liked to eat, but that made her more fat. So she took the pills and after that her fat just kept on going away! Even though she ate! And she said her husband started to love her again! It's kind of funny.. even her face seemed really different in the picture taken after she lost weight. Wow. I really love my life now!

Ambiversion

I've just been wondering. Why is it so hard for some people to communicate with each other. Lately people have been talking about how young people today are not feeling ok. Especially now when another school shooting happened. Well DUH! You don't need to be a Sherlok Holmes to figure that out, but how are you supposed to deal with it? I won't go and blame anyone for Finlands apocalyptic youth who actually attack their teachers at school. I have no idea how to build a bridge between the two groups. Mature adults and infants suffering from puberty. Maybe learning from mistakes is the most effective way to learn. I don't know.

I have trouble showing my feelings. Yes in a way it's a culture thingy, but I still can't show how I really feal. I usually keep things inside me, since I think no one really wants to know what I think. Then some day I burst out and no one can't understand me. I wasn't like this when I was small. I was a normal kid. But now.. I just think it's not normal when you always laugh and pretend to be happy and then when you come home, you just live in darkness. Atleast for now I can be as full of angst as I want to, but eventually I need to grow up. I mean, can women have a the Peter Pan syndrome?

Just to let yall now, I'm not an introvert, I'm an ambivert (I learnt a new word). I think this handicapped emotion issue is also because of my genes (yeah. this is what people do best: blame other people). I can listen to others. No problemo. But I think that there is something wrong with you if you cant say or show people that you love them. I mean those people possibly wont live for ever.

8 more days and then.. Vive la France

No mercy for stupid people

I had a bad hairday. Actually: I had a bad everything day. Why? Because I'm a failure. I just can't be good. Even when I succeed, I'm just mediocre. The exam week is starting. I really tried to do better with school, and I have, but still I have loads of trouble trying to deal with time issues. I'm slow(read: stupid). I need a lots more time than others do to understand things. Also when I do something, i want to do it real well, so I'm really detailed. But still, I feal like a dimwit. I'm not analytic enough. Sigh. AND we on Wednesday, in the Finnish lessons, we'll have this "argument" in groups. It's not anything personal, we just need to argue. You know, like in a Ph.D way. Oh boy, I'm nervous. Not necessarily in a wholly bad way.. But I'm not confident enough. And the people who are opposite us are so sure they'll winn.. It's so unfair. And I really have prepared. I listened to what the teacher told us.. i went to the library. Brought like ten books from the library..... BUT I FEAL SO WEEK. I start to speak weirdly and stop making sence infront of people who are actually listening to me. I... I err... I try my best but it's not enough. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH. Maybe we'll have a chance.. Maybe I'm just exaggerating. But I feal so sad bad and... I don't make any sence. This isn't anything I can't survive.. I guess :'(

Piano lessons

Ah... It really has been a long time since I've been here. I had to update my blog, since today was a special day. (The food at school was awesome and) I gave my first pianolesson ever. For once I could be happy about nepotism, since that's why I got the "job".
I carefully planned my lesson. I actually wrote down everything in a notebook. I really should start respecting teachers. Especially those, who teach in public schools these days. My friend and I were just having a discussion about how scary it is to teach (us) apocalyptic-puberty students. One teacher was as a substitute teacher at a schools second class. Once when she turned her back, apparently to write something on the board, some boys came and tried to choke her. What kind of a eight year old tries to kill somebody? Well, after that she didn't turn her back...
Well, my student is 9 years old and she's an angel. I was a little worried, since her grandparents, who asked me to teach her, were upstairs. They said they would go away from disturbing me. They were silent the whole time, I knew they were listening. I was a little nervous. I'm always nervous if I need to speak to someone. But when I started to notice that she actually understood what I was telling her, it made me feel so great. Plus I'm get money. How great is that. I did what I had planned. I looked at my phone. I still had time, but nothing to teach. I was really horrified. But I took it easy. But then I started panicing, since "Grandpa" started telling me not to teach too much at a go. Well I was not teaching too much??? We were playing the same songs over and over again. It must suck to be a teacher when some parents will always blame you no matter what happens. Well everything was ok. No one was angry. We actually had our lesson for one hour, which is a lot for a beginner!! But yeah, I hope this turns out ok.

I have a headache that wont go away!! What if it stays for ever??? The horror. THE HORROR.

Desperate housewife

I cooked today. I wanted to be nice, since the person who usually supplies the food is sick. I've also been a grumpy teen lately so that's an other reason. I used to cook alot in the past. But now I really don't have the time. So anyway, I planned everything really carefully. I needed some ingredients, so I had to go to the shop. I'm not the most organized person. I actually had sms to my friend and ask her where they keep things in the shop. Before the textmessage I had already asked for help. I went back home. Filled with enthusiasm I started mixing things.. poaring things everywhere.. It took me 2 and a half hours somehow.. And later I had to clean all the dishes for half an hour. I AM TIRED.
I don't know how Mums and Dads too do it. Nearly everyday. 365 times a year. I'll just settle for consumer-ready food from now on...

udderly rediculous

I love waffles, those sweet pancake kind of thingies. Today I went to this sweet, idyllic waffle café. I'm always really open minded, so I wanted to try something from the salty side. I suddenly remembered a part of the novel 'The Restaurant at the End of the Universe', where some men came to a restaurant where they could meet the the Dish of the Day. A cow showed up and started recommending parts of itself to the hungry men. At first the men started feeling horrible, even though the cow was nice and encouragin.. But atlast the inhuman side won and one of them orderd steaks for all of them. So the animal just got to its feet and said "I'll just nip off and shoot myself" and turned arround to say "Don't worry, sir... I'll be very humane". ---
So there I was looking at the salty waffle list and I decided to order the vegetarian waffle. It was kind of a mistake. My friends got these beautiful rich waffles fith a lot of cream. I got a waffle and on top there were some frozen product maize and peace and then olives and feta. Well, I ate it proudly.. and didn't mind my rude friends laughing at my meal. Atleast I have a longer life expectancy now---

Picture from: http://www.repmanblog.com/photos/uncategorized/2007/10/16/veg.jpg

E=mc2

Today was a normal day. No. I actually it was not normal, since I was happy and laughed a lot even though it's Monday. I loved the Finnish lesson today. Our teacher was hilarious and I was also kind of tired. I have two Finnish courses right now, so sometimes they are after oneother. I saw from the paperpile and the teachers face that we'll get our media essays back. There were like 20 different media related topics and you needed to choose one of them and ANALYZE or what ever you were told to do. It took about 70 minutes for the teach to tell us about all the things we did horribly wrong. And that our level was really low. Thankfully one person had gotten the idea right. The teacher read it out loud. It was good. Wow. I wish I could write like that. It took me like 5 minutes to be able to look what grade I'd got. Since if the teacher needed 99% from the time to complain, I was sure I had done badly. I was scared, since I really had tried. Writing is something I like to take seriously. It's really hard to be analytic. That's nearly all we do in high school. And when I fail, I just feel useless and stupid. Ok, so I eventually looked at my resolts. The essay sucked. I had really tried. I thought I had really good ideas, but they were too shallow. I don't want to be naive. But It really hurt. Ha. I know this is actually brilliant, since now I can learn. I'll really put my mind on the next text I write, and then try to avoid the same mistakes.. But.. Now I tried changing my habits, like writing useless posts before doing my homework.. I really try my best always.. But now the results still suck. Yes I know school is the place where you're supposed to learn, but I feal so stupid. But I'll still try. All these words of angst wont help. I need to try more. Nothing will ever come easy. Even in the stuff where you think you'll manage automatically. Sigh. :(

oh.. and I got 30 points from 6o. That would be like the grade 7. The scale is 4 to 10. Ten is the best. So it's..... mediocre.

Back in black

This picture is from this fortress (?) near Helsinki called Suomenlinna (=castle of Finland). Being there was like paradise. The sun was shining. The time stopped as I was there surrounded by the sea. A nice change of feeling constantly low and sad. I think I was the only person on the universe who wanted to go back to school. I didn't miss stress, but I did miss seing people and being useful. There were days when I didn't even step outside. I'm really glad it's over.
So, school started. The new students came. It made me feel a little old, but I also did pitty them, since they have to go thruough all the things I struggled with last year. This year I stopped taking things for granted. I mainly mean studiyng, but also various things in my life. I've started doing my best with my studies. It was much harder than I had expected, but it's worth it. I value the fact that I have a chance to be educated. It's a thing no one actually thinks about, but now I really do value it. If I turn my head to the right, I'll see four books I need to read for school. I won't give up now that I've started. And a bonus. I've started doing sports. I've actually exercised three hours a week. Don't laugh, I just to do it three minutes a week.
Blah. This autumn there's really alot happening. The school trip to France.. ah. I actually am thinking of taking private french lessons, but it sounds so corny.. and the teacher charges 15euros/1.5hours. Then I'll be teaching a girl some basics of piano. I think teaching is not my thing, but I'll try.
Sometimes I'm shocked of how I'm getting older too. It wasn't supposed to happen, but actually it's better, since I can learn from life and get more experience. I want to quote Freddie Mercury: " WHO WAANTS TO LIVE FOREVEEEERRRRRRRR??????". I'm really honoured by your "where are your ebony" comments. I'm not that good of an writer, but I like it when people listen.

Wings, big men and lots of light

Do you believe in angels?
I accidently found a book, where people tell miracle stories about angels saving them. It all seemed distant. Today I remembered something that made me laugh. To be honest, I don't know why I laughed, but I remember naming my guardian angel 'Sini' It means something like 'Blue--'. Sometimes when I was small, well, a long time ago I talked to her. My lovely imaginary (?) friend.
But today I remembered something that has been "bothering" my mind since. It must have been more than ten years since it happened. I was lying on my bed, in the dark, but couldn't get any sleep. I think I was afraid of the dark. Then I looked at the door and saw somebody standing at the door. The 'thing' was like a really tall man with a white robe. I couldn't see he's face. But I could tell that he (?) was looking at me. I was horrified. I remember going under my bedcover.. I was there for a long time.. long enough to get enough courage to look again, but the stranger was gone.. I was so angry at myself for not talking to him.. or her..
You know it's kind of weird. I must have been a devil child since I couldn't look at something good...
Then one other insidence. We went to the capital, Helsinki with our school. Our school was small, so we all could go. At that time I hardly knew the place. We had freetime so two friends and I hed out to the wild. We were such feeling.. ok I WAS FEELING so cosmopolitan. I felt so wild and free... until we got lost. We got lost right in the centre. We were in a hurry. We almost paniced. We had to ask for help.. But no one was arround. No one seemed to care. The horror. The horror. But then this woman appeared. I just had to try and ask her. So she just showed as where to go. I felt a little stupid since she made the way sound so easy. Atleast that's how I remember it. Relieved we started walking. I don't remember why.. did I forget to thank her or something, but I turned back to look at her, almost immedietaly, but she wasn't there. Anywhere. As you grow up. You are not allowed to use your immagination as wildly as you used to as a kid. She couldn't have jumped to any buss, because there weren't any busses on that road, nor cars. She couldn't have run behind any house or anywhere without us seeing. I mean I turned to look fast. My other friend also looked arround and couldn't understand what had happened...
So. Was I dreaming. Was the woman like the fastest runner ever. Who knows. It's up to you to decide I guess.



Picture from www.angel-guide.com

cynical apple-polishing

Ever sinve I read that Agatha Christies play (yes I read the play, not the novel) 'The mousetrap'.. I've been really paranoid about everyone. The next day I went to town and I was sure that everyone was trying to kill me. Sad isn't it. It's just that I usually trust everyone at first, maybe too much. As I was writing this there was a programme where some chimpanzees were fighting and then they all turned against one and then killed it and ate it. I almost died and puked.. yes at the same time.

I'm just really bored. I have so much time. I need homework. I need to feel useful. I feel stupid.

I read something that has really bothered me. Someone who was interviewed said that "the youth of today are not interested in changing the world, they want to live a peaceful life and have good jobs." I don't know. I guess there is nothing wrong with saving the world or just living peacefully. But I usually just keep calling myself a miserable git instead of really saying : YES WE CAN (Obama). So, I want to try. I've just this picture of myself being miserable.. Maybe I'm funny in the head and don't even know it.

Did I say that I entered to this competition.. You had to write an essay about changing the world or something like that.. more like development aid, rather than the global warming. The writers with the best texts will be interviewed and then some of them will win a study trip to Guatemala. It sounds a little corny, but I'd love to go.. Even though it might interfere with school. GAH. Well It's only a week or two.. ehh..

It's so hard to grow up when you have a Peter Pan-syndrome. Yes. Even girls can get it now.

It's wrong wrong wrong!!!

I need that some serious changes need to be made to the age limits on movies. When I went to HMV (shop with music/movies/electronics...) in London I was so suprised how age limits were much higher there and they wrote the reasons too! We bought this weird Eddie Murphy film (should have known better) and it was said that it was for people of all ages. Already in the beginning people were doing well, you know what, in a very.. not to be watched way. They could have warned us, man? I mean seriously. For people of all ages? Another movie.. But the atleast said that it's recommended that you should be atleast 8 to watch the movie. Uh huh.. Well the same thing happened. I don't think it's normal that a child or anyone gets used to watching violence and sex on a big screen... Second. Many times the age limit goes down if there is an adult watching the film with the child. Right. So if someones eye pops out, what can the parent do. "it's not real honey". Uh huh..

I lied. Again.

Sorry. I was supposed to write.
I couldn't.
Sometimes it just happens right.

I've not been having such a great time lately. But I promised myself not to complain. I mean. I just came from London. I was so bored today. I just fealt so heavy. I couldn't rise from my bed. I just looked at my roof and listened to goofy adverts without even caring.. I wont lie. I could have done something if I really wanted. Many times I feel like my life is really really really boring and phatetic. I'm not haning out with anybody.. and I'm just dreaming about someone. But why? I'm comparing myself to someone ealse. How could I? I mean. How can you compare two different lives. You can't compare two different shapes. A person could waste a whole life doing that you know. I'm afraid of hard times in my life. I'm sure I wont make it. But how can I have nice times if not bad times.
Wow. I really do have time to think about stuff. So did Sokrates and Platon, but they kind of did better. Maybe. (I've probably said that before)
That's all.

Hello luv.

I've been wondering. Where do I get all these weird titles and headlines from...
Anyway, I actually came on Monday evening, but I've not been fealing that good, so, I think that's the reason (read: excuse) why you guys haven't heard of me.

So, I really was in London. I still find it hard to believe. Somehow I just had built really high expectations of the town. I really have to admitt. The first three days were a dissapointment. Somehow. It fealt like it wasn't that magnificent afterall. And everyone was fighting all the time. I wished I could just catch the next plane and get home. But everybody deserves a second last chance, so after those days I started really getting a hang of the lifestyle and stuff. I won't be showing pictures of some famous places. I was there, believe it or not. But here are some really cool things that can't be found over here:

BUSY BUSY BUSYYYYY: Everyone seemed to be in a hurry. I don't know why. Once we got caught in the middle of a rush hour. It was frightening. I was waiting for my parents inside a tube station in Oxfordstreet. People started flowing in and they just kept coming. They just wouldn't stop coming. Everybody was fighting to fit in a tube. Then my parents got locked out. The station was too full. I freaked out. I was sure that there was a bomb ready to explode. Also for the first time I experienced a big city. Walking in the street was impossible sometimes, especially when you tried to watch over your stuff, since anyone could be a evil pickpocket person. People on the streets were so pretty and all ready to go to an business conference.. It made me feel so ugly. But it was ok since I belonged to the freaky turists-group.

(The owner of this booth at Springfield (?) market almost killed me (with her eyes) when she saw me taking a picture. I don't look like a cop... Maybe journalism is my future. I just got so exited, ´cause I did this report about Rastafaries and when I actually saw Haile Selassie I´s picture.. I just though "for once, I can actually say I learnt something in school and could use the info in real life. It made me feel so big.")

Notting Hill - Portobello road. Everybody was there on Saturday mornin'

There were people from so many cultures. You could hear many different languages. Nobody would stare at a ""foreign"" face. Also, I've never ever seen as many tourists in one place at the same time. Everyone was also so polite. They would always apologize for being on your way, even if it was my fault. GAH. I love how they say "sorry". It just has this lovely tone on it with that cockney accent.

RED BUSSES Double Deckers.. O__ O. They are soo cool man.!!!

When you sit in the second ""floor""" in the first seat, you feal like the buss is running over everytinhg. And the streets are so narrow. IT's SO... WICKED!

Anyway It's kind of late and I think I'll continue tomorrow.

See you later alligator!

Chuck Norris's time is the right time

I can't believe I'm going to London tomorrow. It has been my dream for so long. It's just that I thought I'd be more exited. Maybe I'm just too old. I mean I didn't like being in the amusementpark this year. Somehow I'm not feeling really very inspirational. I just came to say bye aaand I'll let you know about everything when I come back.. next Monday. EEEEHH! Wish me luck.

meow

I got mail today.. And It just made my day. I still feel the same way as yesterday night, wich is really strange!! I wrote down stuff I need to do and I'm going to do it today. Like a wise man said: "...stop whining, make a plan, check it and fulfil it. It is so simple". *walks arround for no reason**
Sorry. Nothing more to say for now.

Why can't I find myself

I really find it hard to make decisions. My friend wanted me to join myspace. But I just don't feel like it. If I'd go, it would only be because "everybody ealse" is there. Why is it so hard to just go your own way. For me it seems to be hard that is. One really wise lady told me that when I get older, I'll start to see that the world is a much bigger place that I thought, and its open for me too. Then I'll know that it's not that important what others think. Gawie. This is really much bigger than myspace, isn't it. You know what. For now. I'll not sign up! I want to try to be myself. Why do I still feel so insecure. I'm supposed to feel like a heroine right now... Hello? Glorious feeling??? I'm still waiting.
I really find it hard to try to go after my dreams. I always see famous people saying all you need to do is FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS. All I say is : bullocks. I've also heard lots of: "You've got to stop dreaming and go for it". I want to learn German. But somehow.. I just sit down crying to myself how I suck at it, instead of doing something?! How stupid is that. This has got to stop. Life's too short for that kind of nonsence. I'll let you know how long I'll have this revolutionary thought. I wont.... fail.. I must.... keep... going.......

I guess there still is good in the world. i mean was.

I really love the series. Little house on the prairie. The series have only good in it. I cry in almost every episode. Almost. I wish they made eries like that today. But then I started to think. Ofcourse it's utopic. The Europeans in America must have had a really much harder time atfirst. i don't know. But the series are supposed to be for children anyway :).
The Lord really works in mysterious ways. I'm going to meet a friend tomorrow after "long time no see". And there is only one week until the travel (I'm starting to get exited), but I still feel a little empty and numb.. But then my brother came in with a letter. It was from aboard!! And it was from a friend who I hadn't heard from in ages. She replied to my letter! I was so happy. You should have seen my letter. it was just like those people who died because of Joker in the Jack Nicolsons version of Batman and Joker.
I really need to go to the library! I want to read Prince Caspian before seeing the movie. And I need to read the prairie books.
Eww. I smell like sweat.

fancy muscels

I was watching TV and I saw this reality tv programme where people were trying to get on top of a mountain in South-America. Then I saw that one of them was on a wheelchair. Then I noticed (slow? maybe.) that they were all.. (I know that tere is a more polite word. I don't want to be rude or offend anyone) disabeled. They all were there to test their limits and like.. try their best. I don't know were they trying to show themselves, and talking about others, that they are normal. That's what we all do right? Nobody wants to be judged just because of ones weeknesses. One woman was having a dinner with her husband, and then a motorcyclist drove over her.. taking her leg and her husband. She was just 19. The man in a wheelchair,had polio as a child.. and people had called him a black monkey, because sometimes he had to croll to get somewhere... I just cried. I cried because they were so strong and sure. They wanted to stay as a team and go to their goal. Not looking at what they don't have.. but what they have. God, I wish I were so determined and strong.

(Yes. It is a reality TV. Their job is to dramatise, but...)

i'm not going to write you a lovesong

I watched the music tv in a long time and I saw this video from Sara Brailles (?). It was kind of simple but so pretty. I've kind of tried composing. It wasn't as hard as I had thought. Ecpesially writing lyrics is ""easy"". But my melodies aren't catchy. Ok I'm not trying to be famous, so it doesn't matter. I wish I had someone to help me. I know this amazing singer person who sayed she has melodies in her head, but she's movin away soon... I wan't to continue though. I mean it's not supposed to work straight away. And I've noticed that I need different moods to get inspiration. For lyrics. Melody.. Oh well. This time I won't give up.
i think.

8 days until:
"A foggy day, in London TOWWn"

Yes I kind of could laughed at it.

Recently, I've been constantly hungry. Like all the time. I'm not pregnant, I assure you.. I'm just sick of being hungry all the time. It gets old. Really sad.
I'm going to London in... 9 days.. I just don't feel as enthusiastic as I should. I remember praising England and London here sometime, but I just don't know. I'm really happy and eager and all that... Don't know. Once again I don't know what I'm supposed to feel and I somehow find it really hard to just wait and find out. HARR. Well.. I need to stop mourning. I need to count my blessings.
I've started to write on my diary again. I've never been good at it. I might start and then drop it. It's kind of a pitty.. But It's never too late.
High expectations, man. It's so easy to expect something from the others and then get hurt, because they aren't perfect. Or maybe its because you're just reflecting yourself on them.. Blah. Ok. I really need to count my blessings now.

I'm useless v__v

I WAS SUPPOSED TO CLEAN MY ROOM.. and now it's even worse.
I really need to renew my rooms look. It's really.. ah.
GREAT. I feel miserable again.
BULLOCKS.
Maybe I can laugh at this tomorrow.

futile couch.

HAHAA. More honours. No I'm not dying.. and no I'm not going through a AA- recovery program. I just want to.. I don't know. Anyway. First it was emperor now its you. Hm. I really find it hard to say it in words. Even though I don't hear from you that often anymore you are like my soulmate or something. I couldn't imagine life without my favourite furniture. so you're not futile to me. Phihi. I'm really really happy to have a friend like you and if it's up to me, you'll never get rid of me. aHAHAHAHAHAHA. Hmm is there anything ealse mushy I could say. YEs. Thank you for being there. Thank you for always making me feel like I'm worth something, even though i'm silly. Thank you. HAAAVE A NICEEE DAYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

Love

emperor ropi.

Hi. I just want to thank you. Why? Because of listening and actually showing it with the comments!! YESs. Its obviosly what people do to other peoples blogs, but it just feel that you care. Even if you don't.. well then let me believe it. LOL. I hate it when I talk to people and they don't listen. Geez people can be busy but.. I don't know. Thanks anyway. If you'll read I'll write.
Yesterday I was really sad in the evening. When I get sad (in the evenings) I start to be really masochistic. I stay up as late as possible even though I know I'll have a staying up late- hang over the next day. Haha. Well. Luckily today was an awesome day. I've really learnt something. When you have a bad experience.. You can actually look back and just.. feel really good about it later. Its just life.

politics and anger management

Today I payed attention to the news. It's almost scary how nothing suprises me anymore. A woman from WHO was pleading for people to pay attention to the crisis going on in the world. Hunger. Somehow I just don't understand why people are dying of hunger and we "rich" people are sitting and wondering what we could do. Sometimes I just see politics as people with expencive suits and boring hairdoos sitting arround a table talking. Talking about how they can save the world and still get money or atleast benefit from it. I mean why is it so hard to help? Why do we always need to talk. I mean there wouldn't be the Europe of today if it weren't for the riches of the thirld world countries. But ofcourse I'm just a high school student full of angst.
I really have a problem with anger. Even though I try.. I tend to keep everything inside myself. There aren't so many people I can trust my thoughts to. My honest thoughts.. Sometimes I just explode. Small stuff make me so pissed.. I don't even know why. I have the Hulk disorder. But I explode inside and then hurt other people by being kind of rude. Not in a major way, but enough. Sigh. Yes maybe it has something to do with my teens, but oh what the heck.
All my life I've been scared of people who want to like.. Own you. Only be with you. They hold on to you. But now I'm afraid I'm started to be pushy. I'm not sure. I really miss this person. One evening I just layed on my bed thinkin what if that person finally has had enough of me becouse I'm always there. That wouldn't be fair, but what is.

A fresh start

I've really been away for a long time. It's almost rediculous. I was sure I would stop, but I can't keep everything in my head. I looked at my previous texts and kind of laughed.. I remember when I wrote them that I had this feeling, that I really am saying something important. Revolutional maybe. Honestly. I sayed many things, but they really are pointless. Maybe. I really don't know. I had a really hard time then. Maybe these thoughts have been thought out loud many times in history, but I still will think and pretend I thought it up. Many things have happened during these months and I kind of would like to move on, so that's why this is a fresh start. I even changed the layot or what ever...

some people are musical some people can draw mona lisa with microsoft paint

Bolas de Coco

Hi. It's me again.
(well duh, but...)
It's atleast the second day in the row when it has been really pretty outside. I love this time of the year. Even though you almost get blind when you look at the mixture of snow and the sun shining on it. I think I'm starting to feel a little better. We have something like 25 500 days, so why waste it.. (please don't nagg if the day amount is really wrong.. I'm just human).
Talking about human. It's funny how people in different positions are allowed to make different amount of mistakes. I mean this in a deep way. People are always critisising politics. I too belong to the people who say they are useless, but really. Would be be any better if we run for president or something less major. When they make mistakes, it's easy for us to call them names ect. But now that I think about it, I'm not sure would I be any better. Yes, a man I could mention in a powerfull country has made lots of stupid mistakes, and I hope his follower will be wiser, but REALLY. I don't think I would be really very much better. Maybe. I have lots of good intetions though. OH well. or any lid

My familylife, actually any social life isn't really going so well right now. My Dad is forcing me to do something against my will. It annoyis me that he doesn't respect my oppinions at all, in that issue. And the stupid is that I'm such a good daughter that I do what he says. Sigh. This is why I don't necessarily want kids... Maybe if in the future they pass teenage, I don't know. Somehow I also find it hard to say nice things at home. I just go to my room and "gollum there" (= do my own things in darkness). And my granny, whom I live with has been really sick... and it made me feel really scared and I just crack in a psychological way and start being even more introvertical. Usually music helps, reading helps, praying helps, crying helps for a while, talking doesn't. Oh! And shopping does help! Today our patient was feeling better and sent me to buy something nice so I did as she said and bought:

3 mars -chocolate bars
2 twix --" --
novelle friss peach mineral water<3
ice cream
easter chocolate eggs
a big cake
two small cakes
ect.

(I have already written this next parts 2 @3€67${@@[[!!!! times, but the computer keeps deleting it..!)

I had borrowed the Bridget Jones Diary, from the Library. I read it yesterday, even though I was feeling really ill. It was fun for a moment, but then I started thinking. Could it be, that there is more to life, than trying to loose weight, count cigarettes, alcohol and chasing men?? Anyway. I'm returning it after the holiday.


Aurevoir.

Don't start your day with chocolate!

Lazyness my curse, lazyness my sin...
It's beautiful outside, it's a "none school day". I'd actually want to go outside, but I'm so lazy. It'seasy for me to open the Windows but not to go out. I'm almost like the crippeld boy from the book, the secret garden.. Well, do you know what I think.. It's all Bill Gates fault.

I'm going to make my self usefull now

Low-key people

You know, sometimes you just loose it. I think high school students are not supposed to loose it, we're supposed to find it. My life does go on as usual but somehow I feel like I've remained somewhere. I should consentrate on one day, but my thoughts keep drifting arround the future. Seeking answers to things one can only know if you experience them.

I have two personalities. Unfortunately my introvertic side keeps on popping up in socially demanding situations. It kind of makes me feel useles.

I feel sad and my head is itchy and scratchy.

I'm afraid to stand up. I might pee in my pants

I don't have anything to write about. I've started writing poems though. Is this what its like to be a grown up?

I'm different. Just like everybody ealse

Talk about ironic..
I had planned, that I'd study the previous weekend, but oohh no. It was a weekend I was destinied to be sick. OH well. I stayed in school until one o´clock. It was really hard for me to decide whether to go or not, but when my head started feeling soar and I started seing colours in my head I thought it would be fair enough to leave. I was a good student and stayed for the swedish vocabulary test. Next time i should probably study the words from the right text. I hope the teacher wont get mad, because i wrote something like: "yes I know I should read more". It was mainly ment for my friend who had to check the right(read: wrong) answers.. She had written on her paper the one word that makes me laugh every time: FAIL. I tried to think clearly and marked the test and went of. Feeling like I had a hangover.

I used to nag about people not caring, but Its a lie. Okey yes, usually people pretend to care, but they actually think of their benefits. But I think there are still some non corrupted people.

Its really funny how time goes by. I remember when I came to visit my school the first time. It was really scary to look at the highschool students. Today the careers counsellor introdused us to a girl who had come to see the school. It was weird.

Today a lovely person gave me a Homer figure. To me that symbolises everything nice. It made my day. Now I need to continue my tragic life and fight against my destiny (=do my homework).

Hi

I've been away for so long, that I didn't even remember the right password ect. at first. SAD!
Where have I been? Well.. you could say I've been in rehab. Not because of drugs... more because of computer. I went to study and also to consentrate on myself.. i think. And when the exchangestudent was here, I couldn't go to the computer.. I spent many cold nights shivering and saying repeating the same words with a horrible commitment: blogspot, blogspot, blogspot. I need to go online, I cried.. Ok enough of the drama. I'm happy that I'm cured. So can I go to Dr. Phil now? OK OK I admitt.. a little overrated..
Oprah maybe?

We are making a musical at school. Its kind of funny, because our school has this funny reputation.. They say there are only nerds here, but I guess this year more artistic (read: stupid) people got in. NO really just kidding about the stupidity, but I was suprised that it could work out.. Yes I'm in it aswell. Sorry I cant give you any information yet, because its really like a secret. (yeah.. right..)

Its late and I have a fever, so lets get this overwith. My life right now:
1. Still waiting for the answer of the jobapplication. (ok actually of the 12 applications)
2. I wish I'd stop being driftwood and knew what I want to do in my life
3. I dont hate my life though
4. I've started reading books again.. just for fun!
5. I learnt that credit cards are too dangerous. I bought 3 dvd:s--> 35.90e X/. Well atleast I have HAIRSPRAY<3
6. I love music even more... especially music classes in school and I finally started to understand the theory of the guitar and base and I also know how to play both.. a little. I need to get a guitar.
7. I'm going to start running for 15 min. per day
8. I like the foo fighters
9. I don't like England so much anymore. (9.1 I watched Babel and there was this bithchy old man. 9.2 I've watched too many crime series 9.3 I read the news about the orphanage) I love the accent though.
10. I'd like go for exchange.. maybe australia. MAYBE, but too expencive. (i bet I cost more here though)

Prego! there you goh.

fan-bloody-tastic

I actually. I actually made the speech! Somehow its like those minutes of my life just went by without me. I cant really remember what happened. I remember seeing the teachers face. Then I remember one boys face. I remember the look on the teachers face and I couldnt understand what it meant.. There was this really nice person, whom I dont know, and she was just smiling all the time! It was so.. it made me feel calm. I couldnt react to it because I was so "frozen". Anyway, in some parts, people actually laughed.. Hmm.. Maybe I could get used to this. But I'm overwhelmed that its over now. Those 3 weeks of toture and exitement were enough for now.
Lately I've come to so many situations where I need to make big decisions. I've always been kind of a fencesitter in making decisions, but I'm making progress. Its funny how I always need to learn by the harder way, from my mistakes.
Important things that have need major action:
a) Need to move on with life and not self piti myself. No more worrying about "the oposite sex" -matters.
b) I decided to change my schedule, so that I'll do my highschool in 3.5 years. I'm sure its better that way.
c) WE ARE TAKING A FREANCH EXCHANGE STUDENT for 11 days. And next year-- TO FRANCE. VIVE LA FRANCE (I guess?). I pray she wont be too snobby.. I'd like to get along with her.
Yeah. Thats allbout it..
Today I had this mediocre feeling. I fealt like I'll never be anything. I was telling my friend how I'll just be picking up peoples trash when I grow up.. She said that they are really important people, but that didn't really make me feel better. Again I was grumpy when I got home, but escaped to the library. The place always makes me happy. I don't know why. There I also got a hint. A vision. A what-ever-you-want-to-call-it. I think I'll study Chemistry if the whole medicine thing wont work out. Then I might become a engineer. That profission that even hearing of it used to make me sick. Funny how people change.

Or maybe its just that we remember and get to know new stuff about ourselves.



p.s. MY FRIEND BROUGHT ME THIS GORGEOUS NECKLACE FROM INDIA! I think I'll never take it off.

s.o.s

Im giving a small speach on Wednesday. Its kind of casual, because I'm just talking about a film.
When I started (high)school, I was really seriously introverted most of the times. Most lessons I was just praying the teacher wouldn't ask me anything. And then being mad at myself for not answering the questions in class. Often Finns say its ok because of the Finnish nature. I know, but what am I supposed to use as an excuse? Well, Now I'm over it, but as far as I can remember, talking infront of people has been hard for me. This year I've really tried to get over it. Yes I know, its not wrong to be shy, but like I didn't even want to look at a teacher, because he might have made me answer infront of the class. Ok I have to admitt, its kind of dorky, but like I said: I'm over THAT stage. My problem is just that its so hard for me to.. I dont know.. speak? I play the piano. I've preformed to many many people including many scary people (the teachers are a really sacry audience!), but it never fealt as bad as talking......
So I found this amazingly great book from my school. It has really given me courage!? Now I've gotten from "I don't want to talk"- to "I wan't to make the speach". I just have that annoying fealing of cold fingers and toes and shivering (=being nervous) often. I guess being nervous about it makes you focus and do your absolute best. I think its really hard in the beginning but I'll try my best. If it goes badly.... then it goes. Wish me luck. OH and all you who can just easily be yourself infront of others, be extremely happy!

I have to do something with myself. At home I act as I'm the onlyone with issues. Its just that.. I'm always happy in school, but when I come home a switch goes on and everything that has gone wrong seems to be my familys fault. Its horrible. And I also dont talk about myself that much so it seems so bad. AH. I need to work this out. HA I remember that this "thing" has a name in psychology. It's "projektio" in Finnish, but .. X/

Sometimes I find it annoying how my heart always gets in trouble. It's often broken, but I try to glue it together. After I finally got all the pieces together, somebody came and threw it away. I'm fed up with all the glue. Someday I'll just stop the pasting.

by ihatemymiserablelife, age 15

Mmm.

It used to feel like heaven
It used to feel like may
I used to hear those violins playing heart strings like a symphony
Now they've gone away
Nobody wants to know the truth
Until their hearts broken
Don't you dare tell them
What you think to do
Till they get over
You can only learn these things
From experience
When you get older
I just wish that someone would have told me
Till it happens to you
Till it happens to you
Till it happens to you

-Corinne Bailey Rae

[Till It Happens To You Lyrics on
http://www.lyricsmania.com/ ]

scenes from a hat

Hey you guys! Its really been a long time since I've been here. I've forgotten what it's like to write here. I've actually lost my enthusiasm for computers. Can you believe it. No more messenger addiction. I almost feel empty now. I've been studying harder. Actually trying my best. But it also costs! I've never ever been as tired as I was last week. I told you about my new math teacher.. I guess that, on that first day he just wanted to show us who's the boss. Nowadays he's cool. I mean... well, in his own way I guess. (I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm not scared of him anymore). ANYWAY I was really tired one morning when we had maths. I had just taken my calculator, as to count something meaningless, just to keep myself awake.. the next thing I remember was, I woke up.. with my calculator inmyhand and when I looked up.. the teacher was looking at me with this face.. omg.. that face.. it was like: "what the hell are you doing?" mixed with a laugh. Oh well.
I was also in the theatre. Ok it was for school, but I still went, didn't I? It was a play called seven brothers, by the national writer(?) Aleksis Kivi(=stone). What can I say.. well, I've never seen so many naked men in my life. I knew it was for eleven years and above, but I didnt realize thats what they were refering to. One funny thing was that I only laughed in parts where no one ealse did! I had to run to the busstop.. the play had gone overtime and I was luckily sitting next to the door. I was just waiting for the clapping to end. But it was just going on going on and going on. I almost fealt like crying out something like: YA OK YA. WE ALL KNOW ITS GOOD NOW.. PLEASE.... ah.. anyways. Finnish culture can be weird aaand I got the buss but I got sick..
I notised that something was wrong with my throat.. but as the days went on, it wasn't in my throat, it was my neck. I couldnt move my head without it being really painfull.. THEn the best part: There is a bump on my neck and now it even hurts to breathe. I could bee The Hunchneck of Tuomiokirkko-church. I went to a hospital.. (which is in a part of town where I used to live. I almost cried..) first you need to check to a nurse who decides are you enough worthy to see (the only) doctor or do you need to go to the nurse... Well the desk lady laughed at me when I said I had a painfull bump on my neck and sent me... TO THE nurse. It was a man called Pate. He sent me to a doctor near my home.. unfortunately the apointment is on monday so I've kind of been suffering the whole weekend.. Well Pate sent a letter to the doctor.. and there he needs to write whats wrong with the patient. Well in my paper there was reading: the patient has a lump on her neck. WELL THAT WILL MAKE THE DOCTOR TAKE ME SERIOUSLY. I can imagine myself walking in the room.. Me: hi *limping because of pain* Doctor: whats up Quasi´ HAHAHAHA get it HAHAHA.. sorry.. so sit down................. Pate could have just written : handicap neck or something. That would have sounded better :D. SO I just hope I dont have canser. Which I dont :D and even if I did i'd just go and buy a gigant afro wig incase all my hair has to go because of the treatment. (chemotherapy?).. I'm kinda sad actually because I need to miss school in the morning and the exam week is coming. ( THE EXAM WEEK IS COMING!!!???) But what the heck. I can sleep longer.

p.s. I hope Im not sick on wednesday. I'm giving a speech in finnish class. I've been nervous about it for weeks. I've been planning it for weeks and I AM DOING IT !!! no LUUUMPPP will stop me.! YARR.. I was supposed to celebrate - getting through it -- by going to the movies, but since they have increased the price I think I'll just buy Ben&Jerry´s icecream <33 OR make pancakes as one wise young lady once adviced. (hahahaha)

Um... about what I wrote the other day.........

I think I'll take back what I said about being a doctor.
Because.
Well. I just said it because I'm a noob. (Well, that made things much clearer!!???) I mean that. I cant expect that everything comes easily. Nothing comes for free I guess.. I actually have lots to say but I'm soo busy right now. Please hang on.. I'll come comment your blogs sometimEEE! (hopely before judgement day)

"when you wish upon a star"

I was supposed to conquer the world. See Europe by train. Move to a English speaking country. Now I'm even scared to move to Helsinki. I dont need to. I still have something like 2 years to think.. Yeah. Thinking. I've been doing it again. I'm kinda lost. I wish I knew what I'm supposed to do with my life. I need a hug.

CURSE YOU, BLOG PICTURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

p.s I get lots of spam in my email. the otherday I got 75 and 3 real mails.. those are the times you wish you lived in a none civilisationed (?????) world. BUT HA! I bought a spam.. terminator XD and it should work now. Damn them if it doesnt :D

did you know emo hairstyles have names?

Its night.
I have a jetlag that I got from my holiday. I was just at home, lost in translation. Ok I wasnt. I mean I was, you know what I mean. If you dont, dont nagggg. Today I went to my friendsplace and we did our english project for about 8 hours (minus the time we ate). One of us I wont mention by name was kind of tired in a laughy mood way. She had been watching Grey's anatomy for 27 hours. We forgave her.
I have been happy. I dont feel like complaining!! I feel so good that I think that tomorow i wont complain about the large amount of Latin homework we will get NOR the food at school! THE FOOD! hahaha. right.
so where was I. YEAH. its night. and I cant sleep. And um. I now( think I) know that I'll not be a doctor.. I just have to explain it to my parents. My MOTHER wants me to get a summerjob from Nokia(siemens networks)... god. I dont want to let them down or anything. Its just that.. studying has lost its worth. kinda. Everybody studies. Most of the people end up in boring jobs and dont do their best.. and try to retire as early as possible. Why do you think banks are advertising all those: WE'LL HELP YOU SAVE MONEY FOR YOUR PENSIONABLE YEARS- thingies. (atleast here in Finnoland.)
(I put the "o" there by purpose)
well.. I think I'll try to get some sleap. Atleast I can see some friends tomorrow.

Did you know Amelie was a emo movie?

Oh and Futile couch, I know your reading this(stalker!!). I like your banana bf.

whatta

im so confused!!! the picture in my blog changes by itself.. and I'm so scared.
why is it masterminding me!!

I am happy I'm relaxed. I am happy I'm relaxed. I am happy..

So. Here I am look at me. I'm the funky bee-ee-
--no. that wasnt my point.
I'm just. Happy. Even though my holiday is almost finnished. I went to see my family in another town. I dont know.. my parents were in a really good mood. I got the dvd machine in my room and I've watched so many movies. (Including a Hilary Duff film. v__v) I was supposed to study, but I finally gave up. When its holiday its holiday not studyday. Ok that really sucked, but you get the point. One evening my Dad just got the idea that we go and see Enchanted and we just left at the minute in a rush. It was funny. kind of a joke... But funny. I've also eaten ALOT. And unfortunately It already shows from the outside. This week I ate fastfood 4 times in a row.. Hm. Today we went to take a family picture at some studio. I was kind of embarrased, but it wasnt so bad. I just hated the fact that I had to smile by force. Onse the photographer was like: if you smile one more time, after that you can leave. THEN I SMILED. It was so fake, but I did smile. and the photographer was scared.
this is all for now. I'm tired and my feet are killing me.

p.s tomorrow I need to go and do a written version of a oral report at my friends place v__v
p.ps i wanted to buy a book by coelho. i got it... but in swedish