wa wa wah

This has been a sucky holiday.
I need a holiday.

Gahhhh

S i g h

I havent started my homework yet. Kinduuhhh sucky. I WAS going to, but then I fell a sleep. Its got to be because of the weather? Hahahah :'(

I've always wanted to go to England. And I will. I have to. In everybook and song they always repeat the same theme: listen to your heart. let your heart lead the way.. YAYAYA Well I guess its easy to sing about it. I'm not so sure does it really go that way. Theoreticly I don't even exist. My passport isnt valid and I dont have any Id, so traveling is kind of hard. And Id like to stay there for a while, but how and why? I have this secret wish inside my head to learn more English in this college, but the fee for one semester is something like 6 000e. I'd need to have two summerjobs and work in McDonalds part time so that I'd get HALF of the money. But maybe I could work as a mascot in a cruise ship!

I need to pee.

Edgar Alan Poes poem, the raven. The way I wouldhave written it.

This is just a small bit of it, but read all the italicized and fattened parts as: homework. That's how I feel. Edgar was a good poet though! Dont get me wrong. I just needed to express myself

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
`'Tis some visitor,' I muttered, `tapping at my chamber door -
Only this, and nothing more.'

Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December,
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; - vainly I had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow - sorrow for the lost Lenore -
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels named Lenore -
Nameless here for evermore.

"Finland is the worlds best kept secret"

I read that from this Finland guide. It was a joke, but actually it has some truth in it. I was in ideapark today. Its supposed to be a mall. I was a little dissapointed, it was just full of... (boring)SHOPS. But what can you expect from a shoping center? Atleast I got something. (OKOK I HAVE TO ADMITT I WAS THERE FOR almost FIVE HOURS v__v)

Three times in a row I have woken up with my lights and radio on. Its really freaky.. And I cant even remember when I last woke up without being tired! Well I can makebelieve that next year can be different. Its actually funny how people always think that after 365(or 366) days you have this magical chance to begin your life again. Just like in those Disney packets where you get a book and a casette. When you've finnished the story the narrator always advices to turn the cassette over so that you can listen to the same story again. Nothing actually changes. You just might feel different, but when you get used to it you get bored and get back to the old easier ways. For example, somethings to do better next year:

-do more sports, haha
-go to bed earlier, haha
-try to consentrate, while doing my homework, haha
-do more housework
-get a (summer)job
-not buy clothes
-practise piano more

yeah thats enough for now.
I'm kinda stressed.

Elisabeth I is my hero! I just watched a BBC drama about her! Her lovelife was weird. But otherwise.. she was so cool!

THIS IS ACTUALLY WHAT I DO!!!

"Plastic cups for rum and punch, eating chicken that's hot and sweet"

I wanted to personalize (is that even a word?) my blog. Hope you didn't freak out XD

Why do teachers have to give so much homework for the holiday. Actually it should be "holiday", in quatation marks. Sigh. Well tomorrow is still holiday and I'm going shopping. Yes me. I hope you understand that in real life I'm not this shallow. The day after tomorrow will be "holiday" so I can start to do my homework (especially Physics and Latin v_ v).

great. now I made myself feel sucky again. I think I'll go and watch a horse film! (mm. horseey)

I NEED SODA!!!!

p.s I need to remember to apply for a summerjob EARLY this time.

Ho ho hoo? wait, is Santa talking about whores?

Not.
It doesn't really feel like Christmas. I vacuumed the house, made some food (yes, me.) and watched: what a wonderful world, so I guess that in theory, it's Christmas. But technically..
What is Christmas?
I don't know is it because I've grown up, but the exitement is gone. Now all I wish for is just worldpeace (mainly to me). Even the gifts don't matter. OK OK I like to buy some and even more to get. Sometimes its just annoying, If you know what I mean. Like once, I bought my Dad a comicbook and later I found it under my bed. Also all that cooking and worrying makes everyone(but me) really frustated. I can't understand what's all the fuzz about. Just relax mann. Well. I wont lie. I'm happy. In a really jazzy way. Peace

p.s Merry Christmas!

"oh no! the theme from Jaws!!!"

I feel really bad. I'm such a bad child. Rarely when I get some housework to do, I do it with a grumpy mood and an ugly face. I never mean to be rude, but I'm just grumpy and tired. Being in my room, online, with the door shut, doesnt actually improve my state. I'm afraid that people I've hurt will become tired of being understanding or that when I get over this state of crisis, they will be gone. Overrating? Maybe. But what can you expect from a person who has never said "I love you".

One afternoon I was walking to the busstop. I heard a loud cry. As I came closer I saw where it had come from. A buss was about to leave and an old woman was shouting so that someone could make the bussdriver wait for her. She was pushing a cart and she walked like every step hurt her. She kept yelling. I looked around wondering why wasn't anyone doing anything. The bussdriver saw her through the mirror and he reversed enthusiasticly, I guess because he thought he was doing a good thing. He reversed in a too exited manner and managed to bump in to an other buss. It was caos. The two drivers were arguing trying to fix a broken part. The old lady was infront of the door, but it was too high for her and she started shouting for help again. "Could someone please help me. Please, I need some help. Cant ANYONE help me??". I looked arround again almost with tears in my eyes. Why were people laughing. Why wasnt anyone doing anything. One woman passed the old lady and explained to her why she couldnt help her get in the buss and went away. The old woman eventually got in the buss, by herself, probably with lots of pain. But it hurt me more. I was just watching. I can't blame finnish culture. I'm not even finnish.

We had a Christmas "party" at our school. There was a play made by the third year students. It was just mocking teachers really, but it wasn't in a bad way. The teachers were in the frontrow laughing! (btw our school has really weird teachers!!! but I like them in a weird way.) There was this competition where you needed to say a poem as fast as you can. I was one of the contestans. No one actually forced me.. hm, funny. I thought I had lost it.. really!! I thought that I hated performing to audiences. (Playing the piano doesnt count). I managed to go there without freezing. I was doing a really ass thing up there infront of everyone, but I went, right?

I hate spam! I got 73 the other night. I once replied a spam adress and actually got a reply back!!!

I thought I had a friend. We had so much fun and I was always looking foward to meet him, but one day he changed. He stopped talking to me. Then he stopped even looking at me.. I hadn't done anything. I spent days and days thinking what had gone wrong. If there would have been a movie of my life, I would have been the supporting actress. I guess he met better people. I dont know what happened, but it kind of sucks. I wish you could erase useless relationships. I wish there were an AA-club for people who've been addicted to friendships.

This post is full of really sucky posts, I hope you haven't lost your holiday spirit now. Maybe if it snowed i could pretend it would make things better. Tomorrow is a new day. Lets give him a chance shall we.

I need this here
Old train to breakdown
Oh please just
Let me please breakdown

-Jack Johnson

Bury me, bury me !!!!!!!

THIS IS IT. (there is actually a song where the woman is singing that)
I'm so fed up.. and tired. Sometimes I hate the people who created this current school system. I mean they actually haven't tried it, right? I don't know how to do my homework so that I'd finnish it before midnight. I mean can't I have a life outside school. I neeeed to do something ealse than homework. Like today, I played the piano, and enjoyed it!!! But I had to stop. why? you know why. Sometimes if I'm lucky, I manage to finnish my homework early, but then I remember that my Latin homework is still not done, so I'm in the same state again. I think two courses are enough for me... It's not giving up, its just lac of intrest and enthusiasm (and knowledge!). PLEASE SOMEONE ORGNIZED. GIVE ME LOTS OF ADVICE!!
Did I mention that I'm an angle in the Christmasparty of our school. I was actually forced by my teacher.. Oh well. It can't be that bad. I cant help picturing myself falling, then grabbing someone infront of me and then everybody will fall because of me and because I'm holding a candle, someone will also set on fire.. haha, not funny..


ok it is funny.

so wish me luck.
I WISH IT WAS HOLIDAY ALREADY. Im so tired :(

Btw Jamaican accent is so cool!

10cc - Deadlock Holiday
I say
I don't like reggae no no
I love it
I don't like reggae
I love it
Don't you cramp me style
Don't you queer me pitch
Don't you walk through my words
'Cause you ain't heard me out yet

is there such a thing as a useless talent?

We were touring with our school choir and we were just warming up before the consert. Our headmistress was the leader of the choir and she had really um. hm. well different ways of repairing us for singing. Like one thing was to shake your tongue as fast as you can from the left side of your mouth to the right side.. And I dont know. Then I noticed that I was different from the other kids. I had a gift. I could do it really much faster than everybody ealse.. my oh my did the headmistress get exited about it and she made me come and do it infront of everybody so that they could see who did it faster- she or me.. Sigh. Well.
Another thing I've noticed is I can make really many different (not so pretty) faces.. Like if you look at the picture in one post.. :D. I guess its fun, but I dont know.. Then the last blessing is: I can speak really fast. Its almost rediculous.. Like not when I talk normally but if I consentrate. Thats why I think I'll enter this contest in our school next week. Your supposed to read a poem as fast as you can. I dont know why. It doesnt really make any sence to me, but they said its a tradicion. Oh well. What evert makes you happy.
I wish I had just as much skills to study as twist my tongue. I mean like now I feel so lazy and tired again. Maybe I should just rest in the weekend. I have to do an essay for finnish class, do lost of physics and maths and AAAHHH practise piano for Saturday. :| BUY CHRISTMAS PRESENTS. Read two chapters of a book for omg WEDNESDAY.. or was it friday???? *breathes really hard.

There is one thing that really bugs me.. Here there is a liver casserol-kinda food. It sounds really bad, but I dont know how to translate it.. Well, then I've seen a vegetarian version of it. But it doesnt make any sence. How can there be a vegetarian liver casserol? If its a vegetarian casserol then its a own food.. its not...
ok ok... I give up. its not that important.

:D

p.s I removed the cute video of Manny the indian, because it was actually annoying when it always went on when you opened this blog.......................

a dream is a wish, your heart makes....

NOT!!!
Well I sure hope not O__ O. I had this really really odd dream last night. I can't remember it like it was, but the main parts:
I was at a hotel. It was full of important people and the hotel owners had to keep it well so that their reputation wouldn't get spoiled. I was also there, but from inside it looked more like a motel. Then at night when I was sleeping. I heard noices. Someone was spying on me. I found that it was a Chinese robot woman, who wanted to adopt me by force. I run away, but she came again. It was raining.. I climbed into a tree. I saw her under the tree, but she didn't notice me until I climbed so high that the branches couldn't hold me and they bent right on top of her and I fell on her head (D'OH!). Then she smiled a really criminal way and I saw that when I fell on her, I had ripped a part of her face. That was when I new she was a robot. "GOING ALREADY?", she asked in a horrorfull manner and started chasing me looking like she had been hit by a train (and in this case the train was me). I run back to the hotel and I had the power of controlling lightning and I had picathcu from pokemon, but picatchu couldn't help me, because I couldn't find the pokemon ball.. great. Well, I went to sleep with some junkies, because I was so horrified. When I went to sleep there, they moved away because I took so much space. (lol). Then again somehow I was in the tree an the woman tried to find me, but then I saw some second grade students from our school who were chatting happily. I shouted for help, and well.. the woman heard it aswell. One boy hit her and the woman fell. We were all like YEEEEYYY!! But then the woman just woke up again and smiled again and she said: YOU FORGOT SOMETHING.... I CANT DIE.. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Then we all were like SHIT and... I dont remember. Someone finally threw her into a waterfall and I guess she did die eventually.. In the end I got to know that the reason she wanted to adopt me was this: She was sent by the Chinese people to adopt me because I was French. And when they adopt me they would be French too.

WTF?????
So... Disney: a dream is not a wish a heart makes. I sure hope not. GOD!!!

idsss goodd do be a hinddu

I like Indians! I like the food, the accent the everything. I think I'll marry an Indian instead.
(I really am not this shallow)

Everything's not lost

This day started in a really sucky way. I was really emotional and annoying. I went to sleep at half past five or so.. I was up the whole night brading my hair (phatetic, I know) and watching movies and blogging ect unuseful. Because it's the independence day Hely always invites her cousins over for tea. I hated the idea of lots of people and noise today. Especially when I was so grumpy and tired. Also the idea of sitting with them and trying to look happy didn't sound very nice. I'm really emo today. But actually I have a reason for being angry.. hm, I guess:
I'm the black sheep from our family. Everyone ealse is really (over)extroverted. Especially my mom and brother. I've always been shy, especially at home and with guests. But now when I'm getting old (lol) it has started to go away, just like my fear of talking to an audience. But It's just like I have two personalities. I'm really lively and talkative in school, but when I come home that part just fades away somewhere and I become really tired and grumpy (most of the time). Like all the bad personalities get stronger. I loose myself when I come home. Every time when I'm not outgoing enough, people nagg about it. Or worse: people think that I'm not ok. Like today I was talking to Hely about how hard it is for me to go and talk with people. She just couldn't understand it because she is such an extrovert. She couldn't. It really hurts when even the closest people can't don't and won't understand. I'm not like in a stage where I can't even look a person in the eye. I manage. I'm not a vegetable. It's just so annoying. I'm trying to make progress, but I'm always pulled down into the same empty darkness of being not understood.
In psychologi our teacher asked us would it be right to eat pills that could make you more social. I was like HELL NO. ofcourse not.. But now. I don't know. I could even go so low.. It's like shy people are mistakes. No. I won't take the blame. You hate me? BITE ME.

The sky is crying with me.

"my momma always told me that life is like a box of chocolate! you never know whatcha gonna get"

My headlines don't actually have anything to do with the text...
Today I bought a new jacket. Finally. I've been meaning to do it for years now. It's almost rediculous. That happens to me really often. If I'd turn my head to the right (wich I won't, because I'm too scared), I would see a bunch of school books that have my name written all over them. I really am dissapointed in myself, because today I was supposed to go to the computer for only a while. I wonder do they have an AA-club for computer addicts. I mean this is serious. The jacket kinda symoblizes everything in my life. I mean to do stuff, but I don't do it.. I just let it be. Thats why I'm a loser. A loser is not a person who sucks at doing something... A loser is someone who doesn't even try (-said by that junkie grandpa from Little miss sunshine).
Tomorrow is Finlands birthday, some people call it the independence day. I wish I'd see the fireworks! I could If I went to see them, but I'm too lazy to go. HM, but atleast I can see the tv-programme about the Presidents "independenceday -party". Some party anyway. I won't try to mess up with traditions. I should respect our President more. I heard that in Thailand a tourist drew a beard on a picture of the king and he went to jail for it!! One hell of a vacation!
yall know what. I am gonna get that book, and I am gonna do that homework NOW.

p.s ten points for the person who knows where my headline is from !!
-Don't ask me what your gonna do with ten points?!?!? Its just a prize?

Nothing to hide.... I.. guess.

I shouldn't be here. I should be sleeping, oh what the heck.
TODAY was the first day in about 4 months when I could do my math homework without crying!! Ok well without fealing the horror and the pain... I laughed out loud alone in my room, because I was so happy (and tired.. obviously).
Sometimes I feel like I don't have enough time in a day. 24 hours are not enough. I go to school and come home and the next thing I know its the evening and I don't know where all the hours went.. "The land of the lost hours!" It would make a awesome name for a novel.
I need to get some sleep.

hi. my name is Dead, because I killed it.

I really like to laugh. I laughed the whole day. I guess i was tired. Anyway. I like this period? term? I dont know.. but the next 37 (or so) days are actually gonna be interesting. I'm studying subjects that I actually like. Ofcourse there is so much to do, but you can't get everything. I had actually made progress in Latin!! We did this exercise we had done in the previous course and it was much easier!! Then I Maureened (= said my name without being scared) and it turned out ok. Only the maths teacher turnd out to have the finn-syndrome.. OH YEAH another dramatic thing was that I changed my math into what they say is the "short-maths". Its should be the " easy-maths" I couldn't believe my luck when I saw what kind of things we had to learn. (This is only the experience after one lesson). Ok like i said you can't get everything... The teacher came in to the room and, well.... he was a little scary. He wasn't mean but I was sitting in the front row.. again. (I'm acting like a nerd even though I'm not getting good grades) He made us stand up when he came in. It's ok.. Respect is ok. But then he started talking about rules with such a voice tone that I was afraid to move, to cough or the breath too loud. I've never been so still in a math class. Sometimes he tried be funny... I wanted to laugh but I was too afraid. He is just a stereotype of finnish men. He has this one face (well obviously) and you can't see if he's happy or sad. oh dear. Well it could be worse. I'm never gonna fail a course again!!! I promised I would be a better student so I guess I will go now.
But.. Its... just so hard. *cries.
oh yeah!!! my glasses were fixed!!! they used to be cruced and I looked like a real village idiot. well I still do, but now I'm a idiot with straight glasses.
*yawn

why do unhealthy things taste good?

...It's the same thing with everything! I'm not (only) talking about food this time. I think youtube has ruined my life, but I like it.. kinda. I come online every hour. Thank god school starts tomorrow and I have a small chance to have a life again.. What did people do before computers?
I've been telling myself that now i need to consentrate on school more! No more playing. Yeah. ok? I wonder how long i'll be this motivated. Atleast there are some nice courses? I think I'll never understand how lucky I am to get an eduction. Really. I need to grow up a little... ok A LOT.
I don't know, but for some reason I've always wanted to be a doctor.. I don't know is it really me wanting it or my parents, but thats what id like to be. Not in a "pretty old pretty fast" hospital where you call people with a microphone ect.. I 'd go to Africa and work for free and the people would call me: the black woman who acts like a white man. Then at the end, I'd get malaria and die. Right. People usualy tell me to be more positive................
Today when I woke up, I felt really happy!? Yes, it is weird for me to wake up like that. Yesterday was a sad day. I even cried. Actually it was great because I thought that I could'nt anymore. I was able to forgive somebody.. I guess that's got something to do with it. Do you ever feel like everybody ealses life is going great and they are succeeding in everything , while you are just stuck at the same "i hate mondays"-stage. I don't know it's really weird. Or could it be that we are actually missing the good in our lives while looking at others..
I hate it when I notice that I' m getting old. I notice it in stuff like when it snows outside, Its doesn't make my heart jump and make me really happy and laugh... I see people who are younger than me who have grown since you saw them last and the worst part is that I've started to worrie about life and be busy. When I was a kid I used to count years until I was 15. Then, I thought, I would be really old and mature. I lol at that thought now. I've not even reached my sweet 16 and I feel immature and helpless. Oh god.

I wish I could go to England!

Shock me, say something intelligent.

A person who has Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia has a Fear of long words. That's kind of mean!! Like when the person goes to see a doctor, the doctor needs to say whats wrong so. I'm sorry to say this, but sir, you have um.. Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia and by then the patient is already gone mad: GOD NO!!! NOO.. LEAVE ME ALONE. NO!!!?!??!?! THE HORROR... THE HORROR!!!
I also found out that there are fears for foods, like peaches, mustard and my absolute favourite: pickels. No. seriously.. Its not funny.. Think of a person who has a mustard and pickel phobia and tries to work at Burger King. Thats kind of harsh.
I get really scared sometimes. I have a phobia that's way more embarrasing than any of those ones. I'm afraid of high jumping. Yes, high jumping. Sometimes my stress becomes into fear. Especially if I'm waiting for something to happen. Last summer I was really scared of starting highschool. In my head I had too many visions and expectations of highschool and I think I'd seen to many teen movies. The funniest part was that apart of all that "will I fit in drama" I was afraid of what people would think about my name. I have so much bad memories. Somehow: Maureen is really hard to say for finnish peole. When I was a kid, I used to get sick kinda often, so I went to the doctor (duhh). Atleast where I went, the doctors called you with a microphone to their room. Always when my turn came, everyone in the waitingroom started staring at me. C'MON!? Its not my fault that when the doctor speaks like that he makes me sound like a refugee. Finnish accent is really just... You know.. Chinese and Indians are usually mocked for their accents, but they KNOW what they sound like, but some Finns don't. Ok I'm really being too hard on people now. sorry. BUT thinking about my sad childhood almost killed me. Now when I think about it I could have been dramatising it just a littlebit. I told them that I'd prefer if they used my nickname and now i'm really cool about it. And kinda proud of having a exotic heritage(what ever that means!).

It's December now, officially. In the shops it has been December since October. This materialism makes me so angry sometimes. AND everyday when I go to school I pass Stockman- da shopping center and they have this """"CHRISTMAS-window""" where they are advertising womens underwear. The dolls look like whores and then there is a text in golden letters that say: Christmas magic. Or something like that. AARRRRGHHH. why? WHY? Christmas magic.. hmph.. oh I oughta..rghhgrghrh
This year I don't have a chocolate Christmas calendar.. I have a paper one and that stupid one that come with the newspaper. OK its not stupid, but I never winnnuuhh. I thought that this year I could buy a really fancy one! Not those cheep old..... um well you get me.

YESTERDAY!!! (actually this morning..) I watched : Finding neverland! It was so great! It had no sex and no violence! REally!! And I cried at the end.. like a baby. I'm so glad they still make good movies.. somewhere... over the rainbow.

OK i should stop. But One more thing. Here is a "yo momma" joke: "Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it"


p.s I want to apologize to Finnish schooling system and especially: Tampereen ateria. I've really thought about what I said and I'll take it back. I love to eat. I need to stop all that angst. OH and all you pigeons out there.. I'm so sorry. The next time I see a driver trying to run over you, I'll (prahaps) jump infront of you and save you! And If I could, oh yes I would.. I'd turn in to seeds that will fullfill all your needs!