s.o.s

Im giving a small speach on Wednesday. Its kind of casual, because I'm just talking about a film.
When I started (high)school, I was really seriously introverted most of the times. Most lessons I was just praying the teacher wouldn't ask me anything. And then being mad at myself for not answering the questions in class. Often Finns say its ok because of the Finnish nature. I know, but what am I supposed to use as an excuse? Well, Now I'm over it, but as far as I can remember, talking infront of people has been hard for me. This year I've really tried to get over it. Yes I know, its not wrong to be shy, but like I didn't even want to look at a teacher, because he might have made me answer infront of the class. Ok I have to admitt, its kind of dorky, but like I said: I'm over THAT stage. My problem is just that its so hard for me to.. I dont know.. speak? I play the piano. I've preformed to many many people including many scary people (the teachers are a really sacry audience!), but it never fealt as bad as talking......
So I found this amazingly great book from my school. It has really given me courage!? Now I've gotten from "I don't want to talk"- to "I wan't to make the speach". I just have that annoying fealing of cold fingers and toes and shivering (=being nervous) often. I guess being nervous about it makes you focus and do your absolute best. I think its really hard in the beginning but I'll try my best. If it goes badly.... then it goes. Wish me luck. OH and all you who can just easily be yourself infront of others, be extremely happy!

I have to do something with myself. At home I act as I'm the onlyone with issues. Its just that.. I'm always happy in school, but when I come home a switch goes on and everything that has gone wrong seems to be my familys fault. Its horrible. And I also dont talk about myself that much so it seems so bad. AH. I need to work this out. HA I remember that this "thing" has a name in psychology. It's "projektio" in Finnish, but .. X/

Sometimes I find it annoying how my heart always gets in trouble. It's often broken, but I try to glue it together. After I finally got all the pieces together, somebody came and threw it away. I'm fed up with all the glue. Someday I'll just stop the pasting.

by ihatemymiserablelife, age 15